BOOKS INTO MOVIES

It has become a clique to say “the book is better than the movie.” 99% of the time, that is true. But what about that 1%? Every now and then, Hollywood takes an o-k book and improves it into a classic. Here is a list of movies that are BETTER than the book.

1. MOVIE: The Shawshank Redemption. BOOK: "Rita Hayworth & Shawshank Redemption" by Stephen King. A novella in King’s Different Seasons collection. The movie explores the storyline in much more detail and nuance, and having Morgan Freeman in your movie is ALWAYS a great move.
2. MOVIES: The Bourne Identity, Bourne Supremacy, Bourne Ultimatum. BOOKS: Same titles by Robert Ludlum. If you’ve ever tried to muddle your way through Ludlum’s lifeless prose, you were stunned by how good these movies are. Good thing movies cut out the boring prose and replace them with action.
3. MOVIE: Contact. BOOK by Carl Sagan. Sagan’s writing is as interesting as wet cardboard. The movie however, is thrilling, passionate and suspenseful.
4. MOVIE: Angel Heart. BOOK: Falling Angel by William Hjortsberg. The book was good, but the movie, holy shit! One of the creepiest movies I’ve ever seen. Lisa Bonet playing a character named Epiphany Goodheart smashes her Cosby kid reputation in one of the best sex scenes in a mainstream movie.
5. MOVIE: Forrest Gump, BOOK by Winston Groom. I read the novel when it was released and thought it was funny. But the movie . . . is a classic. But you already know that.
6. MOVIE: Jumanji, BOOK by Chris Van Allsburg. A slim children’s book becomes an amazing comedy/action/fantasy despite the presence of Robin Williams.
7. MOVIE: Die Hard, BOOK: Nothing Lasts Forever by Roderick Thorp. Book was a run-of-mill cop action thriller, but Bruce Willis turned into a franchise.
8. MOVIE: Every film based on a Tom Clancy novel. Clancy writes as well as Rosie O’Donnell diets. Most of his books have turned into good movies.
9. MOVIE: Somewhere In Time. BOOK: Bid Time Return by Richard Matheson. This time-travel romance movie is INFINITELY better than the novel it’s based on, which is unusual, cause Matheson is one of the best popular writers of the 20th century.
10. MOVIE: Cool Hand Luke. BOOK by Donn Pierce. The book is almost unreadable; the movie is one of the greatest!

EMACIATION = SEXY?

Have you ever looked at the photos of emaciated survivors of WWII concentration camps and thought: "Man, those people are sexy!" Thought not. Then why do so many women (celebrities in particular) think looking like one of those survivors is sexy?

Take Keira Knightley (no thanks ... you take her.) She was great in Pride & Prejudice and also in all the Pirates movies . . . but look at her now.Might as well be dating a broomstick. The last time I thought girls with prepubescent bodies were sexy was 1974.

But even worse . . . Teri Hatcher, once the sexy Lois Lane on TV's Superman has turned into ... I'm not sure what she looks like . . . a younger Phyllis Diller?

S-C-A-R-Y

However, she looks even more like . . . . Michael Jackson.

Michael is the one on the right.

Call me old fashioned. I like women who look like . . . women!

Visit http://www.wickedcharleston.net/ for more fun!

TOP TEN CHARLESTON DISASTERS

10. Explosion of Powder Magazine, May 1780: A powder magazine that sat between Archdale and Mazyck (now Logan) Streets accidently exploded. More 200 people were killed, sixty that were burned beyond recognition. An eyewitness reported human limbs handing from trees and torsos writhing on the street. Also, a brothel was destroyed, certainly a disaster!

9. Jan. 15, 1778 Fire: Fire started in a kitchen house at the corner of Union (State) and Queen Streets (currently Smith-Killian Gallery). It burned down Queen Street toward Meeting Street. It spread down Union Street east toward Broad, and burned Elliott Street, Bedon's Alley and all of Tradd Street east of Church Street. Losses: $3 million, and 250 homes.

8. City Drainage System. It has been raining in Charleston since 1670. And by the way, in 2006, when it rains, it STILL floods the streets. Thank you Charleston City Council, where the motto is: "If it's broken, let's TALK about fixin' it. If it ain't broke, let's see how we can raise taxes and attempt to make it better."

7. Charleston County School Board: South Carolina ranks 46th in public education, because is a political playground, not an educational system. CCSB is the worse. Just look at the candidates running for office on Tuesday. And look who is in charge: the supertintendent of Charleston County sets a great example: She is consistently late for meetings, had an affair with a married man when she arrived, became pregnant with his child, has made several questionable financial descisions with taxpayer's money and is STILL serving in her position. Welcome to Charleston! See above motto for Charleston City Council.

6. South Carolina Aquarium: Paid for by taxpayer's money, the overpriced ($70 million) vanity project opened to the public in 2000 and is still operating at a loss. $2.4 million in 2005. And by the way . . . the streets are still flooding every time it rains. (See # 8.)

5. April 1838 fire: Started in a fruit vendor store at the corner of King Street and Beresford Alley (now Fulton Street). It burned eastward and destroyed most Ansonborough, 1200 bulidings and more than $5 million in damage. Most of the fire crews were black slaves who, according to white officials, had little "interest in saving the property of white citizens.” Hmmm, imagine that.

4. Dec. 11, 1861 fire: Destroyed 540 acres and over 500 private homes. Property losses totalled $8 million. Because the fire happened eight months into the War Between the States, one third of the city remained a burned out district for over a decade.

3. 1886 Quake: Occuring 21 years after the conclusion of the War Between the States, the timing of this disaster was devastating. And, it was preceded by major hurricane in 1885. Charleston was already shabby and shaking off the dust of a 20 year depression. $6-8 million in damage.

2. Hurricane Hugo: Class 4 storm. Around midnight of Sept. 21, 1989, a 14 foot storm surge of water swept past Ft. Sumter into the Charleston harbor. 80% of the homes on Folly Beach, Sullivan's Island and the Isle of Palms. 50,000 Charlestonians were homeless after the storm. There was a total of more than $3 billion damage in Charleston alone.

1. Ft. Sumter, April 12, 1861: The men of Charleston were the aggressors. They pushed the issue of seccession , and fired the first shot against Federal troops. The result of their actions: Over the next four years more than 650,000 soldiers were killed. That was followed by a 20 year depressison for the Southern states. Charleston can take credit (blame) for starting the worse war in American history, and plunging half of the country into a economic and cultural abyss from which, according to some people, it has never recovered.However, most of us have gotten over it . . . . Most of us.

TAKE RESPONSIBILITY

(Originally posted 2/20/2007)

I noticed today that the 3 stranded climbers on Mt. Hood had been rescued. Good for them. Sounds like they were prepared. However . . .

How smart were these people to go hiking in the mountains during one of the worst snow storms in recent history?

Think about this situation: If a local Charleston outdoorsman decided to go fishing on Sept. 21, 1989, as Hurricane Hugo was bearing down on the Carolina coast, what would you think? Is he sane? Is he sober? Or is he merely stupid?

Either way, why should we risk the lives of other people to rescue someone who made a dumb decision? If it was a child, that would be one thing, but these people were adults in their 20s and 30s. Surely they checked the weather before they embarked on their trip.

So, as harsh as it seems, if you make a bad decision, be prepared to deal with the consequences of your lack of judgement. Don't expect other people to risk their lives for your mistake. Maybe they should be charged for the cost of the rescue. do that enough times, and maybe people we begin to re-think their decisions.

WHY IS ONE MANNER OF DEATH MORE IMPORTANT?

(Originally posted 2/23/2007)

MILITARY DEATHS IN IRAQ (since March 2003) : 3514.

Anti-war protestors love to quote the number of deaths in Iraq, as if the combat deaths are magnified because they believe the war is "illegal". The people who love to quote the Iraqi death toll are also usually opposed to any attempt to control the illegal immigration invasion in the United States. Instead, they are in favor of an "amnesty" for illegals, which means they are against something that they wish was "illegal" (the war), and ignore something that is illegal - undocumented workers - because they claim it is a "victimless crime".

How about these statistics:

MURDERS COMMITTED BY ILLEGAL ALIENS IN THE U.S. (since March 2003): 8632.
MILITARY DEATHS IN IRAQ (since March 2003): 3514.

The murder rate by illegal aliens in America is more than twice that of the death rate of combat soldiers. That breaks down to 870 deaths per year in Iraq and 2100+ murders commited by illegals. So much for a victimless crime.

THE DUMB BLONDE SHILL

(Originally posted 3/05/2007)

Ann Coulter’s at it again, I see. In her attempt to become the 21st Century H.L. Menken she forgot one thing: intelligence. As her celebrity has grown from being famous to infamous, she has been reduced to a dumb blonde shill saying outrageous things just to be noticed. Kinda like Brittany Spears etc . . .

Her John Edwards ‘faggot’ remark was for shock value, and to tweak the Left who have no sense of humor and painfully thin skin.And it worked perfectly. Within minutes, Howard Dean was screaming that every Republican should distance themselves from her “hateful speech”. And everybody did, including Republicans.However . . .

Another dumb blonde shill made another remark which Howard Dean (and the rest of the leftand media) seem to approve. Bill Maher, who for some reason is referred to as a comedian, stated that he wished the assassination attempt on vice-president Dick Cheney had been successful. Maher said with Cheney dead this would be “a better world.”

One dumb blonde calls someone a faggot and the media turns it into a national panic. Another one calls for the murder of the sitting vice-president and the media yawns. Which is the more egregious?

I am not confident of a future where calling for the assassination of an elected official is less shocking than calling someone a bad name. But what do expect from a media which is no longer interested in truth.

Quiz: Who said the following? And when?

“There are no objective facts. Every report on facts is only somebody’s
opinion.It is, therefore, useless to write about facts.”

Answer: Ayn Rand in her 1957 book Atlas Shrugged.

Talk about predicting the future of the media . . .Pay attention to what goes on around you folks.

BEST ATTRACTION . . . S.C. AQUARIUM?

(Originally posted 3/11-2007)

Knowing of the Charleston City Paper's fondness for ironic humor, let's hope the naming of the Aquarium was one of those attempts.

http://www.charlestoncitypaper.com/gyrobase/Content?oid=oid%3A24047

As a licensed city of Charleston tour guide I drive carriages and conduct daytime history walking tours as well as nighttime ghost and prostitution tours. During my six years as a guide I have averaged giving tours to 5000 people a year and I have NEVER had a single person tell me they came to Charleston to "visit the Aquarium".

After all, Myrtle Beach and Atlanta have better aquariums, but lousy food and no charm. Calling the South Carolina Aquarium the "Best Attraction" is like calling Ringo the most important Beatle, Dr. Watson the better detective or Neil Simon the 20th century Shakespeare.

CARTA ASSUMES SCHOOL BUS SERVICE

(Originally posted March 14, 2007)

Charleston, SC (Roto-Reuters News Service) The announcement last week that 5000 of the South Carolina school buses are more than 14 years old, many with more than 400,000 miles, has provoked Charleston City Council into a momentous decision. Starting next week, the contract for running the school bus system in Charleston County will be taken over by CARTA.

CARTA spokeshuman, Pat, stated: “The first thing we will do is revamp the schedule. The school buses will run continually from 8:00 a.m. to 8:00 p.m. It’s a waste to have all these buses sitting idle during the day time.”

When this reporter informed the spokeshuman that most school children need to be in school before 8:00 a.m. the reply was: ‘They’ll just have to adjust their schedules.”

This reporter also pointed out that during the middle of the day the children would be in school and there was no need to have buses running at that time. CARTA replied, “But what about the kids who want to cut class but have no transportation? We need to serve the needs of ALL the children.”

When it was pointed out that most school sessions were over by 4:00p.m. CARTA was asked how did they justify running the buses until 8:00 p.m. Pat said, “Haven’t you ever heard of night school?”

SIX REASONS PETE ROSE SHOULD BE IN THE HALL OF FAME

(Originally posted March 15, 2007)

Pete Rose NOW says he DID bet on his baseball team – but he always bet that they would win! Hmmmm . . . And O.J. didn’t kill his wife.However, I still think Rose should be in the Baseball Hall of Fame because he was one of the best ever. Ty Cobb is in the Hall because he was an incredible player – the fact that he was a racist pig and a lousy human being does not matter. It’s called the Baseball Hall of Fame, not the Most Righteous Persons Hall of Fame.Here are 6 reasons why Pete Rose should be in the Hall of Fame.

1. Patty Smith is in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
2. Yasser Arafat, International terrorist, won the Nobel Peace Prize in 1994.
3. Al Gore won a Best Documentary Oscar for An Inconvenient Truth.
4. Starland Vocal Band won a Grammy for “Best New Artist” in 1976. Also nominated that year: Boston.
5. Al Sharpton ran for president of the United States.
6. John Travolta had a # 1 song with “You’re The One That Want” from the Grease soundtrack – but Credence Clearwater Revival has NEVER had a #1 song.
   

DEADLINES FOR OTHER WARS

(Originally posted March 28, 2007)

Now that Congress has established an expiration date for the War in Iraq, let's hope they take a look at some other wars that need to be brought to a conclusion.

1. THE WAR ON DRUGS: Doesn't take a genius to figure this one out (good thing, since these are politicians we are discussing). The War on Drugs could be considered to have started in 1880, when the U.S. and China completed an agreement (called the Opium Wars) that prohibited the shipment of opium between the two countries. Nixon's modern-day War on Drugs began in 1968. The U.S. federal government spent over $19 billion dollars in 2003 on the War on Drugs - a rate of about $600 per second. The budget has since been increased by over a billion dollars. Since December 31, 1995, the U.S. prison population has grown an average of 43,266 inmates per year. About 25 per cent are sentenced for drug law violations. Quite a success! Declare victory and end it now!

2. THE WAR ON POVERTY: In his first State of the Union speech, President Lyndon B. Johnson declared a "War On Poverty." Making poverty a national concern set in motion a series of bills and acts, creating programs such as Head Start, food stamps, work study, Medicare and Medicaid, which still exist today. The programs initiated under Johnson brought about results, reducing rates of poverty and improved living standards for America's poor; however, the programs have outlived their usefulness and too many people are actively fighting to keep them in place even though most of the programs that are outdated and make as much sense as Rosie O'Donnell in a Playboy centerfold. The poverty rate has remained steady since the 1970s so let's face it: the majority of people who live in poverty in the United States in 2007 are there as a result of their choices in life. The easiest ways to stay out of poverty are:

• Stay in school
• learn a job skill
• learn a trade
• don't have kids BEFORE you can support yourself AND your kid
• don't get addicted to cigarettes or other financially draining habits
• work smart and hard; forty hour work weeks are for people who do NOT want to succeed

The so-called Great Society is upon us. Declare victory!

DOES PHYSICAL ASSAULT NOW DEFINE "MANNERLY" IN CHARLESTON?

(Originally posted on April 2, 2007)

Marjabelle Young Stewart has named Charleston the "most mannerly city" in America for a dozen years now. Obviously, Ms. Stewart is not a tour guide and has never had a confrontation with one of Charleston's beloved SOBs just for doing her job. She has also never been on Market Street at night and been accosted by locals who drive past and scream epithets. Some of the more clever and charming remarks directed at night time ghost tour guides include:

• Fuck you!
• You suck!
• It's all a lie!
• Tourists suck!

This cleverness of wit makes me believe that they are either

1. A product of the South Carolina public school system, or
2. A product of the inter-family breeding practices that have been so popular in high society since the beginning of time.

Most of my fellow tour guides blame the night time insults on drunken teenagers and the college crowd. Maybe, but I am not ready to be so kind. I can easily see some of the genteel SOBs hollering insults from the undercover saftey of darkness and the tinted windows of their SUVs. The one thing I have learned as a tour guide is that the tourists are MUCH nicer than the locals - the so-called "most mannerly".

Most tour guides have learned to deal with the insults, usually by making fun of the cowards who drive by and scream out. It's usually an comment about their lack of male genitalia.
However, now it is no longer only verbal assaults ghost tour guides have to combat. It is physical assault.

On Friday night, Rebel Sinclair, a ghost tour guide who works for Bulldog Walking Tours, was standing on the sidewalk on King Street in front of the Charleston Library Society. A champagne-colored Infinity FX 35 came zipping past. Someone inside the car screamed as they passed and tossed an open water bottle. The bottle struck Rebel in the hip, splattering her with water. However, over the next two days she developed an ache in her hip and has been diagnosed with a bruised hip bone. The bottle was saved and placed in a plastic bag. Hopefully, any fingerprints on the bottle can be lifted and identified.

The ghost tour guides of Charleston are now all going to be walking with digital cameras. We will be taking pictures of all vehicles that harass us when we are with customers. Tag Numbers will be taken and the police will be called. In particular, we will be looking for a champagne-colored Infinity FX 35.

Hopefully, we can match the fingerprints from the bottle to the fingerprints the cops will find in the car.

TOP TEN BEST CONCERTS

(Originally posted April 22, 2007)

1. Lynyrd Skynyrd: Oct. 19, 1977, Columbia, SC. I saw Skynyrd twice and both times they were great, but this show gets the nod for one simple reason: It was the next to the last show the original Skynyrd band ever performed. The next night they performed in Greenville, SC and flew to Louisiana but their plane ran out of fuel and crashed in Mississippi. Ronnie Van Zant had one of the greatest stage presences I’ve ever seen.
2. Allman Brothers / Atlanta Rhythm Section: 1980, Columbia, SC. What a double bill! ARS was at its commercial peak and the Allmans are always good. Ronnie Hammond of ARS did one of the greatest Mick Jagger parodies I have ever seen. While ARS was playing ‘Imaginary Lover’ they effortlessly morphed the song into the Stones’ ‘Miss You’ and Hammond did a dead-on Jagger prancing on the stage and singing.
3. Mary Chapin Carpenter: 1990, Greenstreet’s, Columbia SC. I’ve seen her several times in larger arenas (one memorable show w/ Vince Gill), but she is better in smaller venues. This was one hell of a show, just as she was on the cusp of winning several Grammy Awards. BONUS: Radney Foster opened up as an acoustic solo act.
4. Rodney Crowell, 1988, Greenstreet’s, Columbia, SC. What a club Greenstreet’s used to be. Crowell is one of the greatest song writers of the past 50 years and one helluva performer. This was the first tour for a young hotshot guitar player named Stuart Smith, whom Crowell had discovered. Smith is now playing guitar for the Eagles when they tour. (He’s the clean cut guy who outplays Joe Walsh every night.) Crowell has only gotten better with age. BONUS: Crowell’s then-wife, Roseanne Cash, sat on a stool on the edge of the stage all night.
5. The Eagles / Amazing Rhythm Aces, 1980, Columbia, SC. The Long Run tour, with Timothy B. Schmit on his first tour as the new bass player replacing Randy Meisner. As a long time Poco fan that was very cool. BONUS: My second time seeing the Aces in one year. Even though they were only give a 45 minute set, they were, as always, amazing.
6. Radney Foster, 1994, The Wagon Wheel, Orangeburg, SC. Radney would the heir to the Rodney Crowell throne except that Rodney is still around and as good as ever. This club show was in support of the Labor of Love CD, Radney’s last release for a major label, before he went Indie and expanded his musical vision. Great voice on stage with one helluva band – Mike McAdams is an amazing guitarist. I am anxious to see Radney again.
7. Amazing Rhythm Aces, 1980, USC Spring Fest, Columbia, SC. The greatest outdoor musical event & drunkfest I’ve ever attended. The Aces are one of those bands that are always better live. Their rendition of ‘I Must’ve Died and Gone to Texas’, which was changed to “I Must’ve Died and Gone to Carolina’ for the show was one of the most fun singalongs I’ve ever participated in.
8. Dixie Dregs / Mother’s Finest / Little Feat, 1978, Civic Center, Augusta, Ga. What a triple bill! At this point hardly anyone had ever heard of the Dregs and their guitar playing genius Steve Morse, and unfortunately most people still don’t know about Mother’s Finest, the greatest funk/soul/ hard rock band in the world. And Little Feat, even on a bad night, can blow away most other live acts.
9. Bob Seger, 1980, Columbia , SC. The Against the Wind tour. I recently saw Seger in Charleston in 2007, and he was still phenomenal, even though his voice was nowhere near its old glory. Back in 1980 when he was still a younger man, this was as good as a rock-and-roll show could get. Three hours long and no let up!
10. Montrose / Foghat / Black Oak Arkansas, 1975, Augusta Auditorium Augusta, Ga. Being that I was 15 and had never attended a rock concert ever, I loved it. Montrose had a lead singer named Sammy Hagar, and Foghat was two years away from ‘Slow Ride’, but was one of the best live acts of the 70s. Black Oak just sucked, even at age 15 I could tell. Foghat blew them off the stage.

Honorable mention: Roseanne Cash, 1990; Elton John/Billy Joel, 2005; Earth, Wind & Fire, 1978; Grand Funk Railroad, 1977; Paul McCartney, 1996; Poco, 1985; The Police, 1980; Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers, 1992.

REVISED 'TIME' MAGAZINE TOP TEN LISTS

(Originally posted May 3, 2007)
What do the following people have in common?

• Brad Pitt, George Clooney, Tyra Banks, Tina Fey (actors/writers/celebrities),
• Rosie O’Donnell (professional braindead loudmouth),
• Kate Moss (female bag of bones who works as a model),
• Elizabeth Edwards (pampered wife of a rich lawyer),
• Tony Dungy (NFL coach) and
• Al Gore (former VP and leader of the 21st Century’s first religion – environmentalism)

They are all on Time magazine’s list of Most Influential People in the World. And Al Gore was placed on the list of “Scientists and Thinkers”!!! But for the first time ever, the President of the United States is not on the list. I guess Time hates Bush so much, they decided the most powerful man in the world was not worth mentioning, but Tina Fey who writes a TV SHOW is!

Using Time’s criteria, here are some revised Top Ten Lists:

TOP 10 MOVIES OF ALL TIME (alphabetical order)

1. Battlefield Earth
2. Clambake (Elvis)
3. Grease 2
4. Howard the Duck
5. Ishtar
6. Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band
7. Speed 2: Cruise Control
8. Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot
9. Weekend at Bernies II
10. Xanadu

TOP 10 TV SHOWS OF ALL TIME (alphabetical order)

1. Cop Rock
2. Hee Haw Honeys
3. Hello Larry
4. Jerry Springer Show
5. The Love Boat
6. Manimal
7. My Mother, the Car
8. Pink Lady and Jeff
9. Still the Beaver
10. Supertrain

TOP 10 MUSIC ARTISTS OF ALL TIME (alphabetical order)

1. Air Supply
2. Asia
3. Michael Bolton
4. Celine Dion
5. Emerson, Lake & Palmer
6. Kenny G
7. Iron Butterfly
8. LaToya Jackson
9. Richard Marx
10. Yanni

OSCAR (the cat) HEADS FOR CHARLESTON

CHARLESTON, SC (Roto-Reuters News Service) Oscar is a Rhode Island nursing home cat who has an uncanny knack for predicting when some of the patients are going to die by curling up next to them during their final hours. He has been accurate in 25 cases so far. This reporter has learned that Oscar is making a trip to Charleston. The question is: Who (or what) is he coming to visit? Speculation is rampant.

• Is Oscar going to pay a call on the Citadel football team before the season?
  Or maybe the Political Pussy will visit the William Dudley Gregorie (Mayor Joe’s opponent) Campaign headquarters?
  The Feline of Finality could be coming to the Holy City to make it official: Thomas Ravenel's career is dead.
  Maybe Oscar will be seen lurking around the halls of the Rainbow Market, meowing outside the doors of Bulldog Tours.
  Or, maybe Oscar has decided to point out the obvious (except those who work for the school system) concering Charleston County Schools.
  Only time will tell. Keep your eyes focused.

EMACIATION = SEXY?

Have you ever looked at the photos of emaciated survivors of WWII concentration camps and thought: "Man, those people are sexy!" Thought not.

Then why do so many women (celebrities in particular) think looking like one of those survivors is sexy? Take Keira Knightley (no thanks ... you take her.) She was great in Pride & Prejudice and also in all the Pirates movies . . . but look at her now.

Might as well be dating a broomstick. The last time I thought girls with prepubescent bodies were sexy was 1974.

But even worse . . . Teri Hatcher, once the sexy Lois Lane on TV's Superman has turned into ... I'm not sure what she looks like . . . a younger Phyllis Diller?

S-C-A-R-Y

However, she looks even more like . . . . Michael Jackson.

Michael is the one on the right.

Call me old fashioned. I like women who look like . . . women!

Visit www.wickedcharleston.net for more fun!